Deafening Sounds of Silence,..

Where have you been?  Did you stop writing?  What about your thoughts on Utimate Warrior’s passing? (The last one being my favorite!)  Well, I finished my second year as a seminarian candidate and my third academic year,..which means that I am off to Parish assignment next year!  So some musings, thoughts and overall ponderings.  A post without a thesis!

The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius Loyola, God’s ultimate workout for authentic true discernment to practice the Call to Holiness, to work on/eliminate any distractions, and finally to validate the Call to priesthood.  (In my case anyway..)  The answer lies not so much in the movement and discernment of the Spirits of Good, bad, God or the devil, but in the exercise of silence so as to properly hear them!

Trying to find out who I really am, requires a deep spiritual journey, but one which is rooted completely in God’s abandonement.  Faith becomes the cornerstone, my inadequacies the starting point and conforming my will to God’s, hopefully the end result.  Obviously this is a lifelong journey, still we need to begin somewhere.  Sooo, I am a temperamental, jealous, emotive, and insecure guy who according to wordly standards lived a rockstar life, thought I could find happiness through girls, money and power.  God through it all starting speaking to my heart, and although it was happening, I learned to despise my vocation.  This anger led to the above lifestyle.  Then Sunday came around, I went to confession (sometimes), justified my behaviour, (I contented myself to believe) and paraded as a good Traditional Catholic.  Talk about schizophrenia! Behold the Rich Young Man from the Gospel, Zaccheus up the tree, and Matthew, the Tax collector all rolled into one person.  Oh wait, I also possessed Judas’s greed, Thomas’s doubt, and of course Peter’s collective stupidity and fear.  Why in the blue hell is Jesus calling me to priesthood? 

That young priest in the bookstore, what if I had never challenged him?  I could have not said a word, what prompted me to?  I was perfectly happy identifying myself as a thinking ‘catholic’ with all the accoutrements of secular humanism.  Pro-choice? Sure!  Pro-gay? Absolutely!  (I had a gay friend, and he didn’t harm anybody), stem cells? Of course!  Nooo, I was gonna save this poor confused man!  Instead, I was launched headfirst into Aristotle, Aquinas, the Natural Law, Truth, JESUS!  Still then had every intention of living my hedonistic lifestyle, but only one problem, I was no longer in invincible ignorance… My best friend and I would talk philosophy at times, he was a student as well, (eventually an accountant) yet gone was any appreciation for DesCartes, Kant, Spinoza, and Heidegger.  We had trained years in Martial Arts, and Buddha wasn’t very coherent, despite being very ‘en vogue.’  I was learning Thales, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle!  The Greeks would searched for ‘arche.’  I no longer had any interest in revolving around my belly button with Rene DesCartes!  The Bible, Mass, the Eucharist, I remember it all being a flood!  Another chance encounter with another guy from LaSalle,..’Greg, you are studying to be a what?!?!?’ (Fr Greg, ordained in 2010)  Slowly I was bit by the bug…Oh yeah, that young priest from the store is now the Auxiliary Bishop of Montreal… Just sayin’…I tried to discern in 2007, but I never really put any effort into it.  I always had an excuse,..’diocese too liberal’ (that was code for people will think I’m crazy and I like women!)

The answer, perhaps a mystery, or perhaps to show that He can act through a broken instrument such as myself?  Not so sure, yet that fateful night negotiating my fate, preparing to explain to the girl I was dating that I needed to make a life changing decision, all of it comes rushing back full circle.  I had told God that I would have given Him the permanent Diaconate!  Apparently that wasn’t enough.  I remember vividly searching to find any loophole to get out, and continually asking myself why the thought kept popping back in?  I remember missing the company of a girl, and so I had asked myself if I’m on the right track?  My thoughts rushing to images of me being a biological father, coaching some sports on Saturday mornings, the little voice then added to the angst I was experiencing,…’You could have it all again,..Go back to the way it was.’  The voice was seductive, yet there was no inner peace, joy or authentic freedom.  I recognized that voice, didn’t realize that I had played for his team for too long.  That woman who stayed with me, that living Saint who during my change tried as best she could to be there for me.  Being diagnosed with clinical depression, and being not able to work for about 3 months, all because I didn’t want to accept God’s call in my life.  My time as a trainer, acting like St Augustine (in every sense).   Jesus continued to speak to me, and so did you!  I grew angry with Liturgical matters, angry with people not following the Faith, angry with politics, yet my interior life was a complete mess. 

Giving in?  Not quite.  Signed up as an external student.  This way, I would know that there is no call to priesthood, that I’m not one of them!  That ‘they’ are all socially awkward little weird possibly gay men, who don’t function in life, while I can work, make money and get girls.  That I’m a regular dude who desires a family. (After sowing my ‘wild oats’ that is!)  Too late, I remember the bottle of ‘Grey Goose’ on the bar, the cranberry juice beside it, and my buddies cruising some drunk girls…’Life sucks!’   That’s what I wanted.  I remember, saying okay Lord, one last girl, then I’ll be yours.  Guess it wasn’t to be, and after a brief stay as an external student, You, Jesus, eventually caught me, you win!…I’m yours.  As for you satan, not today.  My battle never over, but with Christ in me, you devil are powerless!

Just finished up my third year and next year I will be staying in Parish for the year.  Throughout the hardships, and Lord, you know them!  Going face to face with a drug dealer, or holding a girl who went through an abortion in my arms, crying with her… No, not just that.  I’m speaking about the selfish stuff, the times of stress loneliness, the social media avenue allowing you to see old relationships move forward, and being happy for them in times of grace and being a man and sometimes envious in times of stress…

I guess you can tell that there was no real thesis to my blog post,..Oh well…

Our Lady of Fatima,................................ora pro nobis!

Some Days,..

There are days,.. Yup one of those posts.  Sometimes I take strength in prayer and some days I feel as if Heaven is closed off to me.  All normal, all part of the journey.  I haven’t blogged in a while, because frankly I’m working on me, my weaknesses are of the emotive sort and everyday I die to myself, I hear the whisper of the enemy gently attempting to seduce me. 

The Seminary is a house of formation, a time to grow and deepen one’s relationship with Jesus.  Everyday, I am more and more certrain of this Call  that for years I ran from.  That doesn’t change the fact that I remain a man.  Seeing friends with kids makes me wonder what if I would make a good dad?  Would I be the early morning hockey coach dad?  Bringing kids to sports, dance,.. Being involved in school, teaching them Martial Arts?  Its also tough to see ‘Ex’s in relationships, ..Would I make a good husband?  Then I find myself in ministry, in the field so to speak, and whether I am speaking to someone in jail, a gang leader, drug dealer, biker, doctor, lawyer or anyone, I realize that I have begun to love them.  God is realizing my own paternity in a different way.

In all God has blessed me abundantly.  Lots more work to do on me, and 2014 will see me change even further.  The toughest thing has been ‘letting go’,..  

Our Lady of Perpetual Help,...................ora pro nobis.

Time to Grow Up and Kill off Optimusmastro

Upon much personal prayer, reflection and consultation with my Spiritual Director, it has become crystal clear that the character of Optimusmastro needs to cease so that Marco can truly be formed.  Yes once again this will  be one of those self critical examinations of myself that needs to be done. 

When I rediscovered my Faith, I was infused with Grace but sadly, I didn’t know what to do with it or how to present it.  The enemy however did!  I was an angry young man.   My Theology was pure head knowledge and my vision of God back then was almost as if He (God) was an accountant, tallying up my sins, and eager to send me to hell.  By the Grace of God, my heart is starting to develop.  When I travel back to my blog, to some vids, the way I used to present Jesus, I can hardly recognize that guy.  I was at best, arrogant and at worst?  Probably my own biggest fan.  Simply put, my marketability was not centered on Christ, but upon my own ego driven narcissism.  Truly amazing what two years of daily Holy Hour, daily Mass, weekly confession, daily Rosary and of course daily Breviery can do.  Alongside an incredible Spiritual Director, …God has revealed things about myself, my temperament that need to be purified. 

Optimusmastro was a cartoon, a simplistic ego driven amplification in a pro wrestling mindset.  Instead of wrestling,  I was beating people over the head with dogmas.  The truth is that this character has been eclipsed for quite some time and doesn’t need to come back.  What was the final straw?  Well, when a young teenager asks you with all seriousness, ‘What does Jesus Save us from?’  Needless to say, fighting back tears was hard.  Other issues from the past two years were working with Café Trottoir, (Feeding homeless, drug addicts, ) and realizing their proper humanity that they can love and be loved.  Meeting the ‘Solitude Myriam’ and Danielle Bourgeois, a woman viewed as ultra Traditionalist, because she founded a community of divorced Catholics who seek to continue to live out their vows.  All these are examples of mercy, an ongoing theme with Pope Francis.

I am a Catholic, a thomist thinker, that will not change.  I love reverence in the Liturgy, and that will not change.  However a few weeks back when the Pope referenced seminaries forming ‘little monsters,’ I recognized that a few years back, I was a potential ‘little monster.’  Make no mistake about it, there is a time and place for apologetics, but today's society doesn't know Christ, and if they have a vague idea of Jesus, He is spoken in the same light as the Easter bunny or Santa Claus.  The danger is extremes.  We cannot rely on a simplistic Marxist approach complete with a laboratory experiment liturgy and at the same time, we cannot present doctrine and morals to people who haven’t met the Risen Christ. (I had a conversation about the Hypostatic Union to an atheist.)  St Paul is a perfect example of this, when he presents the Risen Christ to the Athenian people.   The world today accepts all ideologies except Catholicism.  Jesus is not presented to people, and often times the Gospel or mere mention of Christ can provoke a negative/violent reaction.  In the face of all these issues, the urgent call to live the ‘Call to Holiness’ has to be applied to myself, before I can go out and present Jesus.  So from here on out, some Carmelite Spirituality is gonna be added to my diet.  To pray, fast and sanctify myself. 

Sanctify yourself, I was told, then you will be able to preach and sanctify others.  As for the blog?  It will always continue, and I guess this is another step in the ongoing conversion.  I will talk about Jesus, prayer, fitness, MMA and Jiu Jitsu.  (Not to mention Transformers!)

St Jude,........................................................ora pro nobis!

But uhhh 'Bro,.' All u do iz Pray Bro,..'

What’s it like?  What do you guys do all day?  Are there women in your classes? Are you guys allowed to have women visitors?  All awesome questions, and all questions that I will hope to answer a little bit within this post.  Obviously my experience is from my particular lens, so in a sense this is a very subjectivist blog post.

My day begins usually between 4:15 – 4:30am.  After a quick visit to the third floor Oratory chapel, I say ‘Goodmorning’ to Jesus and offer Him my day.  I usually stay for about 5mins.  Then I go outside for my morning jog.  Usually I’m back by about 5am, shower, shave, and brush my teeth, check my email/facebook then head to the ‘refectory’ for a morning coffee where I meet two other ‘morning’ confreres.  Usually around 6:20am we go our separate ways, I will go outside and pray my Rosary or just contemplate Jesus.  (In the winter, I’m usually before the Blessed Sacrament).  By about 7:20am, I head to the main chapel where the community gathers together to pray Laudes or assist at Mass.  (The Seminary tries to mirror a parish setting, so that sometimes Mass is in the morning, and sometimes at 5pm the afternoon.)

At 8am, more or less, the community heads to the refectory for breakfast, whereby we sit at table, laugh and joke, sometimes even stress about whatever awaits whether it be a class or otherwise.  Classes start at 9am and last until noon.  Then it is midday prayer, followed by lunch.  Our classes fall into two categories, philosophy and Theology, with seminars on psychology and human relations.  We have several committees in the house, the Co-ordination committee, basically the president of the seminarian student body and members, who act as a link between the directors and the seminarian life.  We have the Liturgy committee, essentially which plans the in house Liturgies, the Service Committee (general maintenance) and the Welcoming committee, who handle visitors. We also have the Sports Committee which plans the Thursday afternoon hockey match. The afternoons can be taken up with meetings and planning, or pastoral work while at times they are also open.  Does that mean there is nothing to do?  In my case, during the free time, I will study and hit the gym.  We gather again around 5pm for either a Rector’s conference with a theme. (or Mass) Supper at 6pm, then Vespers at 7pm, followed by a music practice, lectio Divina, or any other small workshop or another pastoral work such as ‘café trottoire’ (sidewalk café,..an outreach to the homeless and marginalized, drug addicts, etc…).  I usually go to bed by 10:30pm if I don’t have Café Trottoir, or any other work.  Sometimes I will study, then go back to the third floor oratory, say goodnight to Jesus, pray Compline and retire. 

As far as women in our classes?  YES!  The academic wing is called the ‘Institution de formation Theologique de Montreal.’  It functions as does any other University so there are external students. (I was once one of them!  When I was negotiating with God not to go into the priesthood! Lolol!!!)  Back then, I was seeing a great girl, and worked as a trainer, so good money too.

Within the Seminary, we can have visitors, (many of my friends have come by) and YES, we can have women visit us as well.  As an aside, it is important for future priests to have female friendships, even the guys like me, (who ‘had a life’ so to speak…) in order to maintain a proper balance anthropologically speaking.  There is, however, a difference between a girl visiting you at the seminary in your room ‘cell’ with the door closed at night. 

Life in the Seminary is about living in community, and while we all pray together, study and eat together, you also have to deal with personality clashes,.. The above examples need to be counterbalanced with burping together, farting together and getting on each other nerves together.  My life is prayer, community, study, training and pastoral works.  Do I miss my old life?  At times, of course!  Through it all, it is nothing compared to what Jesus is giving me now.  Discernement is tough, priesthood is tough, and we need men to step up to the plate and accept.  Be willing to follow that ‘itch’ inside you, until it can be truly scratched.  A calling is Supernatural! 

Same guy in all the pics,. Pastores Dabo Vobis= healthy balance!

St Jean Viannay..................................................Ora pro nobis!