Deafening Sounds of Silence,..

Where have you been?  Did you stop writing?  What about your thoughts on Utimate Warrior’s passing? (The last one being my favorite!)  Well, I finished my second year as a seminarian candidate and my third academic year,..which means that I am off to Parish assignment next year!  So some musings, thoughts and overall ponderings.  A post without a thesis!

The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius Loyola, God’s ultimate workout for authentic true discernment to practice the Call to Holiness, to work on/eliminate any distractions, and finally to validate the Call to priesthood.  (In my case anyway..)  The answer lies not so much in the movement and discernment of the Spirits of Good, bad, God or the devil, but in the exercise of silence so as to properly hear them!

Trying to find out who I really am, requires a deep spiritual journey, but one which is rooted completely in God’s abandonement.  Faith becomes the cornerstone, my inadequacies the starting point and conforming my will to God’s, hopefully the end result.  Obviously this is a lifelong journey, still we need to begin somewhere.  Sooo, I am a temperamental, jealous, emotive, and insecure guy who according to wordly standards lived a rockstar life, thought I could find happiness through girls, money and power.  God through it all starting speaking to my heart, and although it was happening, I learned to despise my vocation.  This anger led to the above lifestyle.  Then Sunday came around, I went to confession (sometimes), justified my behaviour, (I contented myself to believe) and paraded as a good Traditional Catholic.  Talk about schizophrenia! Behold the Rich Young Man from the Gospel, Zaccheus up the tree, and Matthew, the Tax collector all rolled into one person.  Oh wait, I also possessed Judas’s greed, Thomas’s doubt, and of course Peter’s collective stupidity and fear.  Why in the blue hell is Jesus calling me to priesthood? 

That young priest in the bookstore, what if I had never challenged him?  I could have not said a word, what prompted me to?  I was perfectly happy identifying myself as a thinking ‘catholic’ with all the accoutrements of secular humanism.  Pro-choice? Sure!  Pro-gay? Absolutely!  (I had a gay friend, and he didn’t harm anybody), stem cells? Of course!  Nooo, I was gonna save this poor confused man!  Instead, I was launched headfirst into Aristotle, Aquinas, the Natural Law, Truth, JESUS!  Still then had every intention of living my hedonistic lifestyle, but only one problem, I was no longer in invincible ignorance… My best friend and I would talk philosophy at times, he was a student as well, (eventually an accountant) yet gone was any appreciation for DesCartes, Kant, Spinoza, and Heidegger.  We had trained years in Martial Arts, and Buddha wasn’t very coherent, despite being very ‘en vogue.’  I was learning Thales, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle!  The Greeks would searched for ‘arche.’  I no longer had any interest in revolving around my belly button with Rene DesCartes!  The Bible, Mass, the Eucharist, I remember it all being a flood!  Another chance encounter with another guy from LaSalle,..’Greg, you are studying to be a what?!?!?’ (Fr Greg, ordained in 2010)  Slowly I was bit by the bug…Oh yeah, that young priest from the store is now the Auxiliary Bishop of Montreal… Just sayin’…I tried to discern in 2007, but I never really put any effort into it.  I always had an excuse,..’diocese too liberal’ (that was code for people will think I’m crazy and I like women!)

The answer, perhaps a mystery, or perhaps to show that He can act through a broken instrument such as myself?  Not so sure, yet that fateful night negotiating my fate, preparing to explain to the girl I was dating that I needed to make a life changing decision, all of it comes rushing back full circle.  I had told God that I would have given Him the permanent Diaconate!  Apparently that wasn’t enough.  I remember vividly searching to find any loophole to get out, and continually asking myself why the thought kept popping back in?  I remember missing the company of a girl, and so I had asked myself if I’m on the right track?  My thoughts rushing to images of me being a biological father, coaching some sports on Saturday mornings, the little voice then added to the angst I was experiencing,…’You could have it all again,..Go back to the way it was.’  The voice was seductive, yet there was no inner peace, joy or authentic freedom.  I recognized that voice, didn’t realize that I had played for his team for too long.  That woman who stayed with me, that living Saint who during my change tried as best she could to be there for me.  Being diagnosed with clinical depression, and being not able to work for about 3 months, all because I didn’t want to accept God’s call in my life.  My time as a trainer, acting like St Augustine (in every sense).   Jesus continued to speak to me, and so did you!  I grew angry with Liturgical matters, angry with people not following the Faith, angry with politics, yet my interior life was a complete mess. 

Giving in?  Not quite.  Signed up as an external student.  This way, I would know that there is no call to priesthood, that I’m not one of them!  That ‘they’ are all socially awkward little weird possibly gay men, who don’t function in life, while I can work, make money and get girls.  That I’m a regular dude who desires a family. (After sowing my ‘wild oats’ that is!)  Too late, I remember the bottle of ‘Grey Goose’ on the bar, the cranberry juice beside it, and my buddies cruising some drunk girls…’Life sucks!’   That’s what I wanted.  I remember, saying okay Lord, one last girl, then I’ll be yours.  Guess it wasn’t to be, and after a brief stay as an external student, You, Jesus, eventually caught me, you win!…I’m yours.  As for you satan, not today.  My battle never over, but with Christ in me, you devil are powerless!

Just finished up my third year and next year I will be staying in Parish for the year.  Throughout the hardships, and Lord, you know them!  Going face to face with a drug dealer, or holding a girl who went through an abortion in my arms, crying with her… No, not just that.  I’m speaking about the selfish stuff, the times of stress loneliness, the social media avenue allowing you to see old relationships move forward, and being happy for them in times of grace and being a man and sometimes envious in times of stress…

I guess you can tell that there was no real thesis to my blog post,..Oh well…

Our Lady of Fatima,................................ora pro nobis!

Our Book First!

As Catholics, we have a treasure and that treasure is God's written Word, the canonized 72 Books of the Holy Scriptures,..The Bible!  Why is it then, that we (Catholics) don't truly appreciate and unlock its treasures by meditating upon Sacred Scripture daily?  Well that is a post for another day,..Right now?  We need an Optimusmastro venting session as only Optimusmastro can do!  (Aaaaaand when I vent,..I can easily make Micheal Voris look like a cuddly baby harp seal...)  One thing about Vatican II, (You hear that whack a doodle sedevacante nutjobs who also believe in aliens, sasquatch and Elvis??!?!?!?) is that it opened us, the Catholic faithful, up to the treasures of the Bible,.so much, that practically the entire canon of the New Testament can be read in 3 yrs,..(provided you attend Mass every Sunday...)

The protestant 'reformation'(okay, deformation,.) of the 16th Century had Martin Luther essentially divorce the Scriptures from its proper place,.the Liturgy.  The Result?  Private interpretation resulting in a constant division and subdivision within Christianity, all claiming that their version of it is true.  Where to begin?  On the issue of the Old Testament, it is important to once again contextualize our thesis.  There was no set defined Old Testament canon until about AD 90 at the Jewish Council of Jamnia.  Before then, the 'educated' language of Palestine was Greek, and they, (Jesus and His contemporaries) used a version of the Scriptures known as the Septuagint.  So the protestant version of the Bible which uses the Hebrew Scriptures, is,..well,.. missing a couple (7) books!

Why the sarcasm?  Why the attitude?,..Well,.because if I answer one more email from our beloved separated brethren on this issue,..I might develop carpel tunnel syndrome, in my brain!  God bless you,..I really mean it.  You guys (Evangelicals and Open minded FundaMENTALists..) are incredibly on fire for Jesus and I truly respect that, but to accuse the Catholic Church of being 'anti' Biblical, or still hiding the Bible, or corrupting it, adding to it, heck,.even painting it green,...the entire point is that it(the Bible, all 72 books,. not your man-made edit job of 66) is our Book!!!!!  It belongs to our Liturgy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Arghhhhhhhhh!,.........Feels good to vent once in a while,...

St Thomas Aquinas,........................ora pro nobis.

'Douchebags' and the Blessed Mother

This post is long overdue!  Maybe it will be a little offensive but I could care less.  I am speaking about how you guys wear the Rosary around your neck as a fashion statement. Disclaimer:  I am not speaking about people who wear their Rosary beads as sacramentals and pray using them.  I am speaking about the growing phenomenon of 'douchebag-itis..' that is sweeping Montreal and probably the rest of the western world.

So let's describe this type of person, clearly not an individual because they usually travel in groups of three, and all look like they came out of a photocopier machine.  Mid twenties and tattooed from head to toe.  I'm not speaking of one or two tattoos on your body, but the full out 'tribal' images running right up the neck.  This look is accentuated with 'Affliction' t-shirt, baseball hat, (where the bill is completely straight), jean shorts, or 'jorts' and finally the piece de resistance,..the Rosary hanging aroung their neck.  As for body type, they come in two forms, no muscle tone and full out steroid.  Usually the breed of human is found in or around  a gym, will attempt a 20min workout, buy a protein shake with everything in it.  The two body forms cycle themselves, as  two guys (out of three) will be jacked to the gills with a water retention weight of a pregnant woman while the small guy will have that 'after the cycle' look whereby everything is soft and saggy...(As he awaits his turn on the sauce...)  They are usually rabid MMA fans despite the fact that none of them are really trained and usually end up getting their a#$es handed to them when they try a sparring session.  Weekly at Gracie Barra, this type of person shows up and gets strangled, however if he hangs around more than a week, he begins to alter his image and starts cleaning up his act. 

To conclude, I guess I'm getting old, as the previous generation probably complained about the hip hop style, pants down around the knees,.etc...To be clear, the style would not offend me if not for the Rosary.  Prayer is such a beautiful powerful weapon.  It is where we praise God and thank Him for being Alive!  In contemplating the mysteries of the Rosary we are fully living the Gospel meditating upon Christ's life with the Blessed Mother. Please guys,..you don't see GSP wearing a Rosary around his neck, and if he did, I KNOW he uses it. 

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati,..............ora pro nobis.

The Holy Spirit's Smack Upside the Head!

Last night I was with my good buddy Greg, as in Fr Greg Cizcek, a staple of the Italian community in Montreal being the Polish guy able to speak impeccabe Italian.  This of course in dears him to little old 'Nonnas' seeking to gain favour with younger priests by feeding them.  So we went for supper, and then we decided to pray Vespers as the time had come for prayer.  Fr Greg, suggests we go to my home parish and see if my Pastor, Father Gerry wanted to join us.  Long story short, he was at the rectory, but the Church was open.  Monday nights, the Charismatic prayer group meets, and they were only too happy to see us.  First off we prayed Vespers before the Blessed Sacrament, and then, well,..then he suggested that we ask for prayers with the Charismatic group.  Myself, I was too shy, (actually I was too proud) to want to join in,...

The Charismatic Catholic Renewal started in 1967 when a group of priests and laity in Pittsburgh asked for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit.  The fruits of the Spirit, would descend upon them and they (like the Pentecostals ) would find themselves in a very emotional Christianity which admittedly I was none too comfortable with.  So,..reluctanlty I joined in, and well, let just say 'uncomfortable' was the initial feeling.  The fruits sometimes manifest themselves as speaking 'in tongues' or 'discerning of spirits' or whatever.  For myself at that moment, I just couldn't let go....They would pray and be insprired to look up Scripture verses abd read aloud.  The thought that was crossing my mind, was 'I gave up Adoration of the most Blessed Sacrament for this?!?'  So here is Fr Greg, a whole bunch of ladies singing away, while I'm trying as best not to stare because I'm seriously freaked out!  (I felt like that scene from Forrest Gump when he's singing in the choir, while Fr Greg, who can at times make Pope Pius X look like a modernist is SINGIN' away, with a big smile, while the others are praying spontaneously, tongues,..you name it!)   We left and asked these women to pray for us.

So, Greg asks me what I thought, and well I answered.  'Dude, (Yes, he's a priest but I knew him before ordination sooo blah! ;)) I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with this type of Spirituality.'  At that point, he asked me to open my heart and check my ego and the door!  WOW!  Did I need that!  He answered that Charismatic practise wasn't his type either, but nevertheless the Holy Spirit would give him a sense of peace, joy, and freedom.  The Holy Spirit has many gifts for many people, St Paul never had the gift of tongues, so I guess I won't either.  Later that night, I was reflecting upon my experience with these sincere women of Faith.  Lying in bed, it came to me!  Written on my heart was St Matthew's Gospel, 18; 3...Unless you become like little children, you will not see the Kingdom of God.

The point through all of this is simple!  The Holy Spirit was reminding me that despite all my theological acumen, degrees, metaphysical knowledge, it all means jack sh%t especially when compared to the sincere trust in the Lord found in these women.  They won't be commenting on Aquinas's undertanding of Act and Potential because that is not their charism!  (Aha moment!)  Different strokes for different folks, all within the beautiful mosaic of Christ's Bride the Church!  So while I didn't experience the fruit of the Spirit while in the prayer group, it was simply because I was too proud to let the Holy Spirit in,..I didn't want to!  I thought it was weird..creepy,..not my culture etc....  Then the Holy Spirit later that night smacked me upside the head and reminded me of the real reason,..PRIDE!  So now today as I write this, I am thanking God for these charismatic women.  Their faith is pure.  Does that mean they don't need to deepen their theology?  Of course not!  Yet in their own way, their hearts from what I could tell and from what was revealed to me were more in line with God's than mine ever was! 

Thank you Holy Spirit for allowing me to see through different lenses, the beauty and majesty of all your gifts.  I may not be speaking in tongues anytime soon, but last night, when I received that peace, joy and freedom, I wouldn't trade it for anything! (Slept like a baby too!)

Come Holy Spirit!,.....................Fill our hearts!

Ashes...

Today is Ash Wednesday within the Liturgical calender and is the day which calls to mind our own mortality as well as the start of Lent.  The forty days before Easter.  The parralel if you think about it is quite simple, Jesus fasting in the desert preparing Himself for his mission.  For us as Christians, we prepare to celebrate the most Holy of all Christian feasts,.(Yes, it even trumps Christmas...) the Ressurection of Our Lord!  As with anything in life in order to get to the Glory, we gotta pass through the Cross...

Ash Wednesday, a day of fasting,..should call to mind our eventual death.  The priest upon placing the ashes either on the crown of our heads or directly on our forehead, will say to us that we are dust, and to dust we will return...Death.  The reduction of a composite being into its component parts.  The instant where we will encounter Christ as just judge, and ultimately know our destiny.  While we do trust in the promises of Jesus, there are certainly times when we don't live them (St Matthew 7. 21).  Ultimately we are saved by Grace, but we can and must co-operate.  A good conscience exam, a good confession, and ultimately a kick ass start to Lent!

To conclude, this is the time of year, when we should focus upon our relationship to God. Despite all the evils in the world and all the trials and tribulations, Lent should refocus us directly upon Jesus, who will ultimately refocus us directly upon Heaven,..our true home.  May you experience a Holy Lent.

Sacred Heart of Jesus,..........Have Mercy on us!

St Francis in the Foodcourt

A few days ago I met a friend of mine in the local bookstore downtown, Chapters.  Needless to say, I hadn't seen this guy in a while so we decided to have lunch inside a foodcourt.  Of course, I'm not the biggest fan of foodcourts as I can rarely find anything suitable for me to eat, my options are quite limited, McDonalds(pigeon McNuggets?  Don't think so!), Subway(microwaved grilled chickenoid sandwich?  Sorry Jared, FAIL!) and of course, the standard Chinese Tiki Ming, (765 000 calories per bite?  I'll pass!)  Soooo,. I finally settled on a chopped salad from a local sandwich place, and I found a Jugo Juice, so I ordered 32grams of protein mixed with water!  (Hey the protein was flavoured, okay? ) 

After ordering our food, we made our way over to a table, and immediately I dove in!  My friend, Greek Orthodox and not particularly religious, shocked me when he made the sign of the cross!  I was awestruck, and to be honest, humbled!  Here I was this pseudo Catholic apologist/fitness trainer potentially discerning priesthood gorging myself at a trough and my buddy, a regular married dude just going about his day, yet taking time to give thanks!  Needless to say, my friend reminded me of St Francis of Assisi,..'Go to the whole world and preach the Gospel, if necessary use words.'  Wow!  Talk about a teaching moment!  Sometimes its the little things that flicker a lightswitch in our brain.  His one act probably was seen by several people, while my apologetical headknowledge meant nothing...Not ashamed to say, I was schooled!

After lunch, I couldn't resist,..'Dude, was cool to see you blessing yourself before you eat.'  His response was cryptic and chilling,..'Bro, we should all start, cause if not our grandkids will end up praying anyway bro,..but towards Mecca.'  

Our Lady of Fatima,...............ora pro nobis.

Self Examination Time,..(again,..)

To begin, something new,..I would like to dedicate this post to my Goddaughter Bianca.  Looking at her has made me realize who I want to be as a man, a husband/father (potentially) or should God call me elsewhere, wherever that may be, consecrated life or even **gulp** priesthood.  As well, three women placed themselves in my life and through example,.showed me true responsibilty and dedication,..Shout out to D.R.,.A.V.  and C. B.  who btw, looking forward to meeting you in Florida!

Okay,..so now its time to inform my readership and ask for prayers regarding a potential life changing decision.  My life's journey has allowed me to experience all that life has to offer within the context of its secularized ideal and yes, I have partaken in every gluttunous activity, sensual delight and potentially dangerous adventure that one can have.  The result?  I have found it lacking,..flat, boring,.to summarize,..'mediocre.'  Yes it's true, the world and its exesses bore me to the point where frankly I just don't understand any of it anymore.  Last summer at this time, I went through a similar crisis and now, let's just say that the words of then Cardinal Ratzinger ring so true when speaking about the Christian path, the path that scrapes and bruises your feet.  August 30th will be my last full time day as a trainer.  The reasons will become clear as the gulf between my secualar 'self' and my 'spiritual' self is widening.

Living as a trainer, I initially thought that I could withstand the lifestyle,.how I was wrong.  Have there been positives?  Absolutely!  There is no better feeling than helping a person lose weight or a little guy add some muscle.  Day in day out speaking with people asking them why they first joined the gym, and every single one of them says the same thing 'health.'  Well,.here is the dose of reality so sorely needed in this cosmetically altered dimension of silicon, cologen and steroids.  The vast majority of these people are not in it for health,..they are in it to get laid!  I'm not speaking about the career athelete looking to maintain and is already psychologically stable with good eating and exercise habits.  I'm speaking about men and women with zero confidence coming in, 'saucing' themselves up (men) or taking a fat burner (women) to order to attract the opposite sex.  Have I taken steroids?  No, not because I didn't want to but because during high school we were regularly tested.  Nevertheless,.the sad reality is that I too fell into this trap!!  Not that I didn't have confidence,.but in order to promote my business, my facebook pics looked like a collection of me and my favorite object my mirror!!! I'll still use my talents as a trainer, but more from a Catholic perspective, Doug Barry comes to mind.  See older posts regarding an idea for a Catholic men's bootcamp...here.

So that being said,..behold a new beginning!  Gone will be the obnoxious 'look at me because I'm stronger than you pic' and in its place will be just me,..moi,..err whoever I am,..:-)  Please pray for me as a decision, a major one is on the horizon,..but first I'll be off to Florida for some much needed rest and relaxation and of course DA BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohooooo! 

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati,........ora pro nobis