2 Years and Time to Close a Chapter.

It was two years ago,. I remember looking at the clock, my breath short, my heart racing, what the hell is going on?  (My first thought..),. Is this a heart attack?,.. (My second..)..Why can’t I think or breathe?  Why am I feeling like this,.. Why are my older parents helping me off the floor?  At that moment, I knew I needed some time, I needed to think and to re-assess.  I asked for some time, and they granted me all the time I needed.  (Take that for what it’s worth.)   January 4^th, 2016, .. The day that God reminded me that I’m human. 

Fast forward to now.  I recently met with the rector of the seminary, although not officially,.. He mentioned that I looked more ‘at peace.’  Perhaps?,. I work in the funeral industry, and I work as a Jiu Jitsu instructor,.. My question remains,.. What the hell happened?  The answer I guess is simple.  God wanted to get my attention, and His subtle attempts were being ignored, so He got a little more intense shall we say?,.

While two years removed from official formation, and having finished the intellectual component, I have no ill will toward my time discerning priesthood.  I still practice my Faith and perhaps have a more developed prayer life because of that time spent.  Priesthood is not a ‘dead issue’ but it is an issue of discernment, one that an individual with a bit of ‘traction’ needs to undertake with a similar formation team.  My sin remains my EGO.,. IT IS HUGE!  Perhaps this is why God took such drastic measures?  I will admit that most people will attain Heaven through the mercy of God ahead of me.  Why?,.. PRIDE!!!!  The Mother of all sins. 

While I may criticize the formation team, I can never criticize their zeal for what they believe to be ‘bare minimum’ with regards to Spirituality.  Jesus invites us to follow Him as in the Gospels, but sometimes we forget that the ‘follower’ and the followee’ are flawed and sinful human beings.  The seminary is not perfect, but as it stands and after much prayer, it is not an environment for men like me.  The excuse of ‘you don’t understand the Quebecois’ must eventually give way to common sense.  As was explained to me, I did well in Parish and my secret?,. An active prayer life!  Mass, Marian devotion and of course ‘morning prayer!’  

As I have said, and believe,.. I am not a ‘Traditionalist.’  In fact, I detest the term, as it denotes an ideological bent so to speak.  I am, however, ‘Traditional,’ if that is how you would like to describe me.  I remain a man convinced that God is calling,.. to what?  Not so sure anymore.  I guess that is normal?  I can never apologize for being ‘Alpha’ as you described me,.. I was raised by awesome parents in a traditional home, I can’t change that.  I’m heterosexual, and women will always remain a temptation for me, whether I discern Marriage or even a Consecrated lay state.  I speak as a man, and thus am able to draw parallels with those young fathers in the community, because I viewed Priesthood as just that, spiritual fatherhood.  I’m sanguine in my temperament, and can’t change that but can attempt to control it. 

As I bookend this post, I reflect upon going forward.  I remain a sinner, and in desperate need of Jesus’s redemptive Sacrifice.  At the same time, perhaps my writing can help others who are ‘like me’ and don’t feel welcome in the ranks.  I will say this,.. My name is Marco and I was never a bully, and I also was never bullied,.. until I entered formation. 

To conclude 2018 is all about smiling.  I will use my God given talents to continue to empower people in Jiu Jitsu, to smile and always accompany by the Grace of God, families searching for a sense of coherence at the death of a loved one!  Here is to positive vibes!!!!! 

God bless!

My Mom and my Dad.

I haven’t been around,.. Ha!  The obvious!  The workload, the prayer life and the general rhythm of the priest /seminarian life is something that I will never be used to.  Taking on so many emotions from preparing a child for baptism all the way to accompanying a family in the death of a loved one.   One thing is for sure, the priest is not is own and must love the way Jesus loves.

My last post was waaaaaay back in 2014, my birthday.  Now I want to just call to attention, my amazing mom.  A woman who. Like Mary at the Cross,.. prayed for me.  I brought home every girl under the sun, and jumped from job to job,..yet my mother always stood by me.  My mom is my rock.  I love both my parents, but for a future priest, She stands with Jesus at the foot of the Cross.   I read somewhere that a piece of the stole is buried with his mom,..

For my dad, well, he is my hero.  A practical approach to real issues.  BOOM!  He doesn’t want to hear about nonsensical pseudo intellectual gobbledeegook.  Thank God I listened to him.  The world changed, and get prepared to face it!

Holy Mary Mother of God,………………………………………ora pro nobis.

I'm Alive...

2013,.....The year of two Popes, the so-called Quebec values Charter, and GSP's retirement.  Where to begin?  First off, yes, I've been away, more like very busy and regular blogging has become a wish, more like a fantasy.   So that being said, guess I'll start with what I've been up to, and where I'm headed! It will be a short post, but a post to let you all know that I'm alive and well!

My second year as an internal seminarian(external my first year) and to tell you the truth, I couldn't be happier!  The priesthood and seminary life offers many challenges and Our Lord is holding up a mirror to see all my inadequacies, deficiencies and weaknesses.  This year has been ripe with emotional turmoil, friends getting married, always being 'on call' for everybody, and living my diocesan assignment as part of the PAVO.  (Pastorale des vocations)  Loneliness can at times set in, (even other desires, girls, and money) but trusting in God has been an incredibly fulfilling experience.  I hope to return to more consistent blogging in the future, and I promise that I will issue a post on this Quebec Charter,..(Every time I speak of it, I get the urge to go to the bathroom..)

In the meantime, I wish everyone a very happy and Holy Christmas season!  May the joy of Christ, born a new in our hearts and lives continue to be the source of Grace for a troubled world!  Continue praying, continue training!

God bless!

-Marco

Blogosphere debate,...

Time to weigh in on what is (in my opinion), a high end pissing contest between Catholics in/on the blogosphere.  Three questions that I, the man beast Optimusmastro will address are 1.  Does hell exist?  2.  Do people ‘go there?’  and 3.  Can we reasonably hope that hell is empty?  Before I answer, let me give the pretext that I, and most men with testosterone were force fed during the ‘Cabbage Patch Jesus era’ that we grew up with!  Remember going to a funeral where Fr ‘Nice’ complete with a colourful stole (no chasuble!  Too Roman!!! ) with pictures of butterflies and other crap on it, delivered his sugary coated ‘homily’ of our loved one who died, in Heaven cheerfully feeding squirrels and singing with Mary Poppins…   Then freely accepting money to offer Masses for him!  I mean, why Fr McFruitloop?  He’s in Heaven, he doesn’t need prayers.  It wasn’t a funeral Mass, it was a canonization!  (Even though he died suddenly in a car crash, while coming back from a drug deal..) A little harsh?  It needs to be.

The purpose of priesthood, the meat and potatoes is to shepherd souls, that God entrusts to them.  As seminarians, we are training to prepare for that reality.  Priests sherpherd by assisting the local Bishop to administer the Sacraments of Christ, Offer Holy Mass, preach the Word, and lead people to Jesus.  It is Jesus who Saves!  However, when the above scenario takes place, (it used to regularly throughout the 1970s and 80s..) We should stop and ask the priest point blank;  ‘What does Jesus save us from?’  Think about it,.. If universal Salvation is the norm, then why would we need the Mass?  Morals?  What kind of sicko psychologically unbalance freak would give up sex for nothing?  Who cares!  That generation turned the Christ of the Gospels, Our Ressurected Lord, into a bubblegum pink unicorn who wants to hug you.  (Unless you pollute,..don’t ever pollute or question pollution and global warming climate change.)….

My friends, the battle is real, Salvation is at stake.  Jesus calls men to be priests.  To offer Sacrifice, the one Sacrifice, Calvary made present in our time and space.   OF Mass, EF Mass, Maronite, Anglican Ordinariate, Eastern Divine Liturgy,…ALL have the Sacrifice!  Why?  Because Heaven and hell are at stake!

One player, (We will call him the Intellectual Thomist) while doing a video, states that we can have a reasonable hope that hell is empty.  This notion, often attributed to Hans Urs Von Balthasar, can be mis-interpreted to mean Universal Salvation.  The reality is, that no…(despite the fact that it could lead someone to believe that,especially in this day and age.  The anecdote regarding Fr McFruitloop’s canonization/funeral was/is a reality that far too many of us experience.  That being said, it is true that many Saints and Mystics have been shown visions of hell and yes, there are souls there.  The question of ‘hope’ though seems absent.  To ‘hope’ is an entirely different story. 

The second player, (Magic Hair Man) responds with videos criticising the content of the former (Intellectual Thomist) saying that ‘Hoping’ that hell is empty is unreasonable.  Again, in context, this goes back to the post Council insanity, and Fr McFruitloop’s canonization.  From a pastoral perspective, what would magic hair man say to a mother who lost her son?  Perhaps the son didn’t live a holy life?  We cannot pronounce the soul in hell, but we can recourse to God’s mercy.  This won’t change the reality of the soul in question, as at the moment of death, judgement is pronounced.  It will however give recourse and comfort to the loved ones. 

I believe that this issue if one of competing extremes, and I can easily sympathize with both points of view.   Does hell exist?  Yes, Jesus spoke of it.  Do people go there?  Yes, as a consequence of free will, God accepts the choice of those who do not follow His commandments.  Can we reasonably hope that hell is empty?  Hope?  Yes, we must hope!  Reasonably,…ughhh,.. sorry.  Although God is merciful, I highly doubt that it is empty.  (Not to pronounce judgement.)

My friends, we need to be united… EF, OF whatever, be Faithful to Christ and His Church, then let the chips fall where they may.   I am reminded of the prayer to Our Mother of Perpetual Help,..

Our Lady of Perpetual Help,…………………………….ora pro nobis!

Lumen Gentium(A walk through), Mary and Francis

                              

I guess this blog will be more of a walk through the recesses of my own thoughts, trying to speculate and piece together what is my opinion.  To be sure, it is just that, my opinion. 

I think I’ve resisted writing a full post about Vatican II as it was intended, however I fully believe that the time has come in order to shed some light and a ‘How to’ so that it reads in continuity with the previous Councils of the Church.  While everyone remembers Pope Emeritus Benedict, in his final address to the priests in Rome, distinguished between the actual Council and the Council of the media, people forget that a major point of contention dear to many Catholics is the hermeneutic of continuity and the role of Mary in the Church.  ‘Lumen Gentium,’ The Dogmatic Constitution of the Church, is the first written text to address specifically Mary.  Before we begin, let’s set the stage.  First off, there are no dogmatic definitions and it is written in what is a ‘pastoral’ language.  Secondly, the sexual revolution is in full swing, women going to work in the wake of the second world war, and thirdly, especially in the west, the Communist threat is building.  (Cuban missile crisis).  As well the teachings of Vatican II do not use ‘ex’ cathedra language because that was not its intent.  Vatican II is meant to reach the world, and presupposes that the Truths do not change.  See the opening address by Pope John XXIII.  The reality that this hasn’t happened yet is not because of Vatican II, ‘ambiguities’ or ‘Spirit of VII’ or whatever, it is because of sinful people with an agenda, demolishing the Church from the inside.  It took 300 years for Trent to be implemented fully in Quebec, it shouldn’t shock anyone that Vatican II is only just beginning.  The issue today is one of Mass media, and many more ‘freemasons.’ (Even Pope Francis acknowledged that,..)  Did Vatican II cause a priest shortage and demolish the Church?  No, but an argument can be made that it served as a cataclyst launchpad for an agenda ridden ideology to hijack the Church.

Let us begin with a base schema of the Textual Corpus of Vatican II, basically how we can read it.  We begin with God who reveals Himself in Jesus Christ through Revelation.  This comes to us by transmission in a Document called Dei Verbum.  It affirms both Sacred Tradition and Sacred Scripture as having both the same font of Truth as its source.  For our protestant friends, this means that Vatican II affirms and explains the Catholic position that the Bible didn’t and couldn’t fall out of the sky, all wrapped up with a leather bound ‘Divine’ Table of contents. 

From this document, we can now understand, our two Constitutions on the Church, namely Lumen Gentium and Sancrosanctum Concilium.  The first is composed of eight chapters, each with a specific point to address;  ‘Lumen Gentium’ means ‘Light of the World!  Already the Church in Her Divine Constitution presupposes a Christocentric approach.  Let’s go through them, shall we? 

1.      Church as Mystery

2.      Church as ‘People of God.’ (All the baptized)

3.      Church as Hierarchical.  (The favorite of the heterodox crowd)

4.      Church as Laity

5.      Church ‘Universal Call to Holiness’

6.      The Religious

7.      The Eschatological dimension

8.      Mary

I think it is important to highlight the Marian dimension.  If there was a ‘hot button’ topic at the Council, this topic was akin to speaking about the benefits of Marxism while attending a Bible tent revival in the deep south of the USA.  Mary was formally given the title ‘Mater Ecclesia’ as a compromise.  One school of thought was that ‘Co-redemptrix’ and ‘mediatrix’ as titles (5^th Marian dogma?) were not ready to be accepted at that time.  This is where this walkthough becomes a little personal, not as Optimusmastro but as Marco, a seminarian. 

Mary, in the economy of Salvation already co-operates with Christ, by simply saying ‘Yes’ to God by her ‘Magnificat.’ (St Luke 1)  In this light, can now be read, not only her Immaculate Conception but all the way to Her Assumption and eventual crowning as Queen of Heaven.  Mary participates by suffering with her Son.  She stands at the foot of the Cross and was given to us by Jesus Himself. (St John’s Gospel.)  She intercedes at Cana, and She appears with a Crown in the Apocalypse of St John (Revelation.)  Regardless of these realities, our current ecumenical situation finds ourselves in dialog with protestants. That being said, defining as Co-redemptrix would have fundaMENTALists doing handstands frothing at the mouth, as they would hear ‘Co-equal’ instead.  Can you picture the CNN interviews with such ‘scholars’ as Bob Jones III and Benny Hinn?  It would be entertaining,..(I digress).  Since Biblical times, then there have been countless apparitions of Our Lady, from Our Lady of the Pillar, (To St James) all the way to Our Lady of Fatima, (1917).  One constant, is that throughout all of the CHURCH APPROVED apparitions, the message is always Christocentric, she points to Jesus! 

At Fatima, Our Lady gave three ‘secrets’ with which, depending upon who you listen to have either been completed, not fulfilled or somewhere in between.  A sticking point has been Russia.  Has Russia been consecrated?  Pope Pius XII consecrated the world to the Immaculate Heart, subsequently, Pope John Paul II did the same.  One theory is that consecrating Russia by itself would cause an Ecumenical nightmare from the perspective of the Russian Orthodox Church.  Another theory is that this consecration must take place in communion with the world’s bishops, and in this light, it is safe to assume that back in the 1980s, not everyone was on the same page.  Now what does any of this have to do with Pope Francis?

Well,…since his election to the chair of Peter, his first visit was to the Church of St Mary Major in Rome, bringing flowers to the high Altar.  He has since asked that he be consecrated to Our Lady of Fatima, he will consecrate the world this coming October 13^th  to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  Now knowing this, according to the media, he has approved gay actions (nope) thinks abortion is okay (nope) and believes atheists are going to Heaven. (nope.)  According to Catholic sources, he has since his Papacy began;

-Reaffirmed Church Teaching against women’s ordination.  (same airplane interview where he supposedly was open to homosexual marriages.  Sadly the media must of all went to the washroom at the same time when he cited Ordinatio Sacerdotalis?)

-Publically rebuked the LCWR in the USA, thereby backing the CDF findings.

-Has mentioned the presence of ‘masons’ and a homosexual lobby in the Vatican.

-Has mentioned satan more than any other Pope in recent memory.

-Consecrated the Vatican (invited Pope Emeritus Benedict) to St Michael the Archangel.

-Publically criticized Archbishop Mueller’s personal opinions of ‘Liberation Theology.’

-Publically endorsed and reconfirmed Msgr Guido Marini, against the wishes of the Italian bishops who wanted him gone.  Warned of extremism but nothing that Pope Benedict XVI didn’t already say either.

-Theologically endorsed by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI (‘Theologically we are in agreement.’) 

(To be fair, I doubt that Liturgically they are,…)

-Excommunicated a dissident priest in Australia who promoted women’s ordination, pro choice pro gay marriage, and gave Communion to a dog.  (Again, certain media outlets didn’t openly wonder how he is so fluffy, smiley and cuddly, yet did something like this.)

-Finally, Cardinal Raymond Burke still at the Apostolic Signatura.…nuff said!

Perhaps as some people on the extreme right are wondering, he is a Pope of contradictions, or maybe he is a crafty old school Jesuit? 

How do we tie in Lumen Gentium, Mary and Francis all together? Well, after some prayer, this is my OPINION, nothing more.  It stems from my Faith in the Church, that the Holy Spirit  guides Her and that ultimately, the Immaculate Heart of Mary will triumph.  I believe that Pope Benedict resigning means that the 2^nd Vatican Council has been given its proper orientation within the hermeneutic of continuity.  Pope John Paul II, gave us and reasserted the Catechism, when dogmas such as ‘Purgatory’ were called into question.  Pope Benedict XVI corrected and set into motion proper Liturgical understanding and reform.  Pope Francis will usher in the real Vatican II the way the Holy Spirit wants, not the way Fr McFruitloop and his merry band of lesbian universalists want it. 

Back to Lumen Gentium,.. I think I'll need a dozen more posts to develop it more!

I smell Co-Redemptrix…

Just sayin’

Our Lady of Fatima,…………………………….ora pro nobis!

Year 2!

A short blog today,..not as Optimusmastro, but as Marco.  This coming Monday begins the 2nd year of formation at the Grand Seminary and to speak bluntly,..I can't wait!  The summer allowed me to recharge my batteries, focus more on my prayer life and showed me a weakness with regards to kids ministry!  (Put me in a jail, a men's conference,.etc.. But the Day Camp?  Yeeeesh.... Still came out of it with a little more experience.  Carlos Gracie, once remarked that with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, you never lose, you either win or gain experience.  Essentially that was the attitude that I took by week 3, and well I've since had time to 'land.'

The summer though showed me a lot about myself.  Maintaining the daily meditation was awesome, and so was the Office of Readings/Breviery.  Daily Mass especially on the days I was working was a little difficult, and to speak frankly,..I looonged for the Eucharist those days when I couldn't get to Mass.  Summer is the battleground for one's vocation.  As we return (in a certain sense) to the world whereby old friends, family and yes even old girlfriends can become a temptation.  These 'storms,' however,.do pass.  They are quite normal, especially when it comes to thinking that a few years back, you were working, had money, girls,..seemingly everything,.. with the exception of Jesus (and by extension, your smile!)

My life has four corners, and it seems that these four corners are becoming a foundation for my Faith and vocation.  Prayer, Training, Nutrition and Silence.

-Prayer.  Specifically the Holy Mass.  Also the Breviery, the Rosary and Eucharistic Adoration.

-Training.  Regular exercise, weights, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, CrossFit, swimming,..

-Nutrition.  Right habits in eating will prevent disease and increase energy...

-Silence.  While it can be considered private prayer, there is nothing better than morning silence to just focus yourself and let Jesus speak to you.

As year 2 begins, I ask you all to sustain me in prayer.

God bless!

St Jean Viannay,..............................ora pro nobis!

Sunshine and Creepy hippies,...

 So the summer camp is over and my experience will be chalked away and evaluated.  Have I grown? Not sure...I will say that the call to serve Our Lord as His priest is consistently on my heart.  For that I give thanks, especially to the Blessed Mother for sustaining me through this adventure as well as all the kids, my fellow seminarian confrere (Word up Catman!) and especially the monitors would stuck with an inexperienced co-coordinator who really had no clue what he was doing!  I'm speaking of course of me!   These monitors, mostly in their late teens and early twenties taught me more than I taught them.  First off,..for kids in their early twenties,..they were,..RESPONSIBLE!  Who were these kids?  From what planet did they come from?  Hard working, efficient and all around responsible!  I love all you guys and girls, you monitors are forever 'my kids.' (and hearing '2 seconds' will never be the same for any of you! lololol!!!) Thank you for the experience.  All in all, by the grace of God, we made it!

Now on to some Optimusmastro bizzzzness!  I have hobbies.  That is no shock.  My hobbies do not include flowers, ballet, opera, theatre, or any other activity whereby men prance around in spandex (unless its WWE!).   I have never judged these people, however they love to render judgement on me!  You see when I get together with my cousin on my Mom's side, we like to shoot guns, hunt, fish, etc.... This doesn't bode too well with the weirdo 'Jesus, for me is like watching a sunset' crowd.  Soooo, in the spirit of the moment, may I present you a little something!

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati,.................................ora pro nobis!

It's Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood,....

A few years back, if somebody had randomly walked up to me and said ‘Marco (Optimus),..’X’ number of years from now, you will be inside the seminary discerning priesthood and your summer will be spent co-ordinating a children’s day camp, ‘  - I would most likely have laughed myself so nutty, that I would have probably busted my spleen…

Yup, myself and my brother seminarian have been sent to a local Parish in the Montreal Italian community and have been given the responsibility of co-ordinating a day camp!  Well to be fair, it is actually training us to be better Pastors, by providing not only a secure and safe active environment but assuring that we are able to speak to kids, something that I am deathly afraid of,…as they are probably afraid of me!  Being a seminarian offers so many cool chances to present the Risen Christ to any and all, but we often forget that children can be molded a little more easily than adults.  As Optimusmastro, yes, I do have a charism (I’ve been told) for young men.  But kids???  Yeeeesh!  So Optimusmastro turned into Mr Rogers and began sugaring up the four year olds!  (By ‘sugar’ I mean speak about love bunnies and squirrels and whatever else,…)

Sooo, here goes, I broke my Catechical blockage and spoke with the younger kids.  My brother seminarian looked at me, said I did okay,….For my first time.  Well, I was shy, (actually terrified,..) but I guess with time, I will learn to settle it in.  Speaking to kids can be the most challenging thing ever.  I can’t speak about the Hypostatic Union, or any high Theology, Christology or metaphysics.  I need to learn to speak in simple basic language, which for a seminarian can be brutal.  My own learning experience saw me experience humility (as I was and am a highly competitive person.)  Once again Jesus held up a mirror and showed me a weakness, a huge one with regard to an impending priesthood.  I can say I got through it, but still, with some psychological bruises.  I can now only hope that the 5 year olds don’t go home and speak about the Arian heresy that had gripped the early Church forcing the Council of Nicea to define the Trinity.  The parents will think that I got choked for too long in Jiu Jitsu cutting off too much air to my brain!

To reiterate, a few years back, this event would have been so far removed from my radar that I would have thought travelling to the planet Cybertron a much higher probability.  Well, clearly Jesus sees things differently!

Our Lady of Consolatta,……………………………………………..ora pro nobis!

Optimusmastro and the Catman!

A little vid on myself and my brother, the Catman.  Frank has been nothing short of my big bro, guiding me through the emotive waters of discernment!  Offer this guy prayers, cause he's gonna be a true priest of Jesus, not to mention an intellectual ass kicker par excellance! (he says words like 'pontificates')  Pure awesomeness!,.. Enjoy!  (and yes,..chairs on wheels, sooooooo rock! )  God bless!

Sacred Heart of Jesus,........Have mercy on us!

God Bless Idiots,..

Maybe that's a little harsh,. but,..

A short post today, a little anecdote,………….Ahhh,…So it happened again, calm, cool, and collected Marco turned into Optimusmastro  and needed to cut a WWE style promo on the Jack T Chick fanclub.   I recently bought Catholicism and Fundamentalism by Karl Keating, (Again) and low and behold inside the book was inserted a little comic book by these Chick devotees. 

My friends, Christian formation begins when one encounters the Risen Christ, and then seeks to understand Reason in the light of Faith and vice versa.  What that means is that your brain isn’t handicapped by refusing to search through the natural order of reason why things are the way they are!  I know that there are many a good Fundamentalist with a sincere Faith in Christ and God bless them!  We have some differences, but ultimately we pray that they search for Truth.  Some as well meaning Christians do more with less!  

As a Catholic, our formation begins with philosophy, and proper understanding of what we can know about things in nature.  Revelation builds upon philosophy.  My dear protestant friends, kindly keep an open mind, remember any authentic dialogue, we need FUNdamentalists who are cool, not fundaMENTALists who are completely insane and devoid of any coherence!

St Thomas Aquinas,……………………………..ora pro nobis!

Optimusmastro Retreat Journal,...

**Warning this blog post will deal with personal issues**

Yup so we are all called to different vocations.  Some are called to marriage, still others to consecrated lay celibates, and yes, others to the priesthood.  A few months back I wrote a little piece regarding ‘Diocesan vs Religious.’ (The one where I’m pictured with Brother Patrick OSB, as we both studied together at the Grand Seminary of Montreal.)  Well, as I write this post, I am well aware of one little factoid,..Yup!  You guessed it!  I, Optimusmastro will never, (and the Rock means,..evvvver,.become a monk!).

Of course a little primer, and this little adventure actually begins late last week.  Each year, the different groups of seminarians together with their respective animation leaders go off for an end of the year Retreat.  For our group, we were off to St Benoit du Lac, a Benedictine monastery near the American border(I’m spelling it American style, so that google may find the word easier inside the ‘search’ ;)) in the Eastern Townships of Quebec.  Ironically this is Brother Patrick’s community.  They are cloistered, which means, along with wearing a habit, they take their vows of chastity, obedience and poverty.  The novices are completely cut off from the world, and must ask permission to see their family and friends.  While I can appreciate the call to constant prayer, (Vigil/Matins 5:00am, Laudes 7:30am, Holy Mass 11am, Vespers 5pm and Complines 7:45pm) and the quiet, it can get well,..too quiet!  (Hence why I’ve discerned my call to diocesan priesthood!)  Their meals are eaten in silence (there is however a reading from either the Bible or a spiritual book during the time they eat.), and the refectory is only open during the hour.  Guests can be invited to eat with the monks, but usually external guests must eat in a separate refectory, all the while still maintaining silence. 

So like any other Saturday morning, started my day with morning meditation, then off to train Jiu Jitsu at Gracie Barra.  While rolling, a not so well timed jump, had me land square on my toes which were driven into the mat.  Prognosis?  A spraign,…sigh,.. Saturday evening went to Mass as my foot was swelling and looking more mutant like as the night progressed.  Going to bed Saturday night at my parents, I knew that training, just even walking would be a chore.  Sunday morning, meditation, then Mass, my director was going to be concelebrating at my home parish, and myself?  Well I was about as mobile as a slug,..Nonetheless we left that afternoon for St Benoit du Lac and our Retreat was officially under way!  Sunday evening, we entered into silence, in order to allow God to speak to our hearts. 

Day 1, Monday.  I was up but didn’t make it to vigil that morning, I elected to stay in bed.  My foot was now that size of a small tortoise and my mobility matched it.  I went to participate in Laudes, then breakfast.  All of this silence along with people from all walks of life.  The good thing about a retreat is that it can act as not just a spiritual recharge, but also a physical one.  A few years back, I would have laughed myself silly at this very notion, and would have opted for Cancun, beach, all inclusive hotel along with a little CocoBongo or Senor Frog’s at night.  Well we all can and do evolve, so I find myself spending time with a cloistered community of Benedictine monks and embracing their way of life.  Our evening meditation focused upon Pastores Dabo Vobis, the letter by Pope John Paul II regarding the formation of priests.  My area of improvement is my sanguine character, which can work both to my strength and to my detriment.  I need to learn to be patient and charitable,.. The issue that I’m struggling most with as I type this is not training or working out because of my injury and the diet that we have at the monestery isn’t exactly approved by a nutritionist. 

Day 2, Tuesday:  Same thing, up early, this time I attend Vigil at 5am and the chanting of the monks is surreal.  It creates an incredible prayer climate and your morning meditation just flows.  The Blessed Sacrament, the chanting of the Psalms, the environment is beautiful.  The image lasting with me is Jesus on the Cross.  How our Lord is inviting me to share in His passion.  Remember that I’m still hurt, my mobility is limited and now we are going on the third day without training, my ego is taking a beating.  The next issue was being invited to the monks refectory to share lunch with them.  They aren’t exactly the most talkative bunch!  At 4pm we gathered for a tour of the monastery and the grounds, and even got to go behind the cloister!  (A rare treat for outsiders!)  At night our group gathered and the topic was conversion, where we are right now as opposed to where we were at the beginning of the year.

Day 3, Wednesday:  Today’s reflection continued, as again I attended the vigil prayer at dawn, my foot starting to feel a little better.  (Still can’t train, can’t go for a jog, and there is no gym here.)  Holy Mass was beautiful, the Gregorian chant almost caused me (Marco) to change into Optimusmastro, (Banner/Hulk style) and deliver a WWE style promo as to why we can’t experience Eucharist like this on a regular basis.   My prayer being offered was for my own personal sanctification.  I am temperamental, and I seek closure on an issue with a family member whom I love very much (and is equally as hot headed), that really weighs on my heart.  My conscience clean, yet my heart broken.  To compromise?  An easy scenario, simplistic and quick, but the imagery I get is the Apostles compromising truth to avoid being killed.  So I wait, I pray, offer reparations, and leave the reconciliation on God’s time.  Just sometimes I wish I could ‘undo’ events, not to say that I would not react in the same manner, but just that the event didn’t have to transpire.  (think Jesus’s prayer in the garden Holy Thursday evening.)  The other issue weighing heavily on my heart is chastity and celibacy.  My time as a trainer caused me much regression, and drinking the kool aid of secularism, money and girls were my gods. Our Lord is making me fully realize the extent of my sinful lifestyle.  It is not easy for a priest to live in solitude, let alone a discerning seminarian.  The sacrament of Reconciliation is there, but sometimes the enemy through whispers, will entice a temptation and yes, we will act upon it, thinking we will just ‘confess’ it later.  My Spiritual Director once told me that in order to purify gold, it must be purged with fire.  My prayer through these issues, at times mimics the prayer from the Rich man and Lazarus parable, (with me being the Rich man begging to quench my tongue).  For our afternoon ‘break,’ Brother Patrick took us on a tour of the monastery grounds, the lake and most importantly, where they make the apple cider and the cheese!!! 

Priesthood is difficult, it is about taking up one’s Cross to follow Jesus.  Carrying the Cross means dying to one’s self, because eventually there is a crucifixion.  We must however, trust in the Resurrection, as this is where our Faith truly lies, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy.  As I prepare for bed, I am fully aware of two things.  The first, is that my Jiu Jitsu injury is a little wink from the Holy Spirit.  God is a jealous God, and wanted my full attention, especially on this retreat.  I can admit that if I was mobile, I would basically be doing my normal seminarian day, just in a different location.  Oh yeah, there would be prayer and silence, but also my working out.  Monday (Chest and legs) and Tuesday (Back) Wednesday (Kettlebells,..) you get my point,.. The second thing?  Well its quite obvious why I’m such an Optimus Prime mark!  He freely went to his death for the autobot cause!  Truly Prime is my generation’s Christ figure, as was Aslan the Lion before him. 

Day 4, Thursday; Once again, my day started with vigil prayer in the morning.  Today’s reflection was going to center around solitude, as opposed to loneliness.  Today’s priest will find himself more often than not by himself in a Rectory, or God forbid, an apartment.  Interlinked with these idea is also a continuation of yesterday’s finding of my weaknesses (I only named two, Lord knows there are so many more!)  So I went before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and began to sort out this issue.  It turns out our Lord revealed something else to me!  Essentially conversion or dying to one’s self is a life long journey and trusting Jesus is a lot harder than we think!  You see, despite this new lifestyle, there has always been a part of me that has kept the ‘old man’ in me alive.  I’m not just talking about girls, pornography, masturbation, money, fame, etc,..All these things are symptoms of my lack of trust in the Lord!   Trusting Jesus, means much more than Thomas’s affirmation in St John’s Gospel.  He put his hand in the wounds, but Jesus says ‘Blessed is he who has not seen, yet believes!’  WOW!  We are a generation of ‘Show me!’ (Except when it comes to ordering crap from infomercials, y’know, knives that can allegedly cut through anything?  The ‘ShamWow,.’ Etc,.).Yet trusting in the Risen Christ, where by the way, there is enough secular evidence from an extra Biblical standpoint that we could easily mount an argument that there is more of a case for Christ than for the existence of Napoleon.  Our lack of Faith is an enabler.  It becomes a ‘just in case’ escape hatch, so that if we discern that we aren’t called to priesthood, then we can easily get married, (by the way, that too is a calling) and get on with our lives.  Pascal’s wager in reverse?

The good news is, regarding lack of Faith, we are not alone!  St Peter, (who Christ would pick to lead His Church) suffered enough brain farts throughout the Gospel you’d have thought he was a tad dim witted.  Obviously not a brain surgeon, St Peter was rebuked by Christ for not having Faith, not understanding, not trusting and then, the coup de gras!  He betrays Him!  What does this example give us?  One word, HOPE! 

Day 5, Thursday; The final day of this Retreat in a certain sense, and already the fruits are strating to appear.  Our Lord has shown me so many faults, so many of my own weaknesses, fragilities and insecurities that I don’t even know where to begin.  Luckily my Spritual Director will tell me, probably drill sergeant style.  Once again, the day began early with vigil, but this time after prayer, I decided to skip Lauds and breaksfast, and just sleep.  I guess I needed it.   My meditation for today was fatherhood, and how in a certain sense, I am discerning a call that traditionally does not experience biological fatherhood, but a spiritual one instead.   The other issue that is now popping into my head, is the call toward ‘holy indifference,’ something that I really struggle with.   I guess I’m a facebook, twitter, social media junkie, and perhaps along with all the other little parasites, Our Lord is inviting me to get that under control.  We live in such a world that is so connected, that we cannot imagine freedom from even our cell phones.  During my stay, I connected with Facebook through my blackberry, I needed to know what was going on!  Herein lies my weakness, and the enemy knows all too well how to solicit the emotions of the ‘old man.’  Past relationships, girls moving on, friends getting married, friends partying and you get a ringside seat to watch it all through your homefeed.  Surely, in times of Grace, we can rest assured that the supposed ‘joy’ is not a real joy, but a contentment, especially during the ‘fun’ old school partying moments.  The times, however, whereby we see friends with children, smiling as their vocation to be parents is realized is something that can and does play with your head.  Everyone on earth is called to a vocation, and tonight during our workshop, we were invited to look at the three, married, single, priesthood and religious.  The natural inclination for any man is to find that perfect wife, to have children, to be the dad coaching the hockey team (my case would be martial arts!) early in the morning, and eating supper as a unit.  God however, it would appear, is calling me to something different and that I need to trust.  Whatever the calling, my life as a Catholic is to accept the universal call to Holiness first and foremost, to sanctify myself and those around me.  From there, God’s plan for my life will reveal itself.

Throughout this blog, you have read my critiques regarding abuses in Liturgy, why I question ‘altar girls’ and why the world just doesn’t function the way I think it should.  Well, if that were the case, I guess we wouldn’t need a Saviour.  Jesus invites us to let him do the heavy lifting, (think of the Footprints poem) all we have to do is trust.  As I write this, it is now Friday, and once again, I prayed vigil, but went back to my room and slept.  Here I stand, injured, (my foot still nowhere near 100percent,.) contemplative, and naked before my very self.  The crucifixion of the old man must happen this year, as I need to shut the door on my past.  

I will say this, that religious life, cloistered, silence is most definetly not for me!  These monks will be partying a la Ace Ventura 2 style after we leave, there is no doubt in my mind! 

                                                                                                        

St Benedict,.................................ora pro nobis!