A Year Later,..

Where to begin?  Where have I been?  What's going on?

I guess I cannot truly answer any of those questions.  As this readership knows, I struggle with depression and thus have 'ups' and 'downs.'  My mental state is somewhat stabilizing by the Grace of God and the support of incredibly wonderful people.  My personality has always been both a strength and a curse.  My mother, since I was a child warned me,.. 'Ignorance is bliss..'   ... I guess I didn't listen.

I find myself counter cultural,..

I find myself staunchly Catholic,..

I find myself more self critical,..

I find myself questioning the Clergy,..

I find myself more pro 'Trump.'

I find myself trying to constantly challenge myself...

I find myself isolated,..

I find myself 'redpilled.'

I find myself loved. 

The one constant remains Jiu Jitsu,.. Jesus let me keep that and with every passing day, I realize why.

So much has changed since my seminary days.  I started 'Confessions' over ten years ago as an outlet, a way to express myself which was therapeutic.  At that time I was dating an awesome woman.  She has since moved on.  While working at my uncles's gym, I lost control of myself, (did I truly ever have any?), ..the single life, women, while being intellectually Catholic on Sundays.  (Kind of like a 'straight' Milo Yiannopoulos)  I then found another amazing woman, right before my decision to enter seminary,.. I left her to serve God,..  She moved on and though we both work in the funeral industry, I find myself happy yet asking many 'What if's?,..' 

God has since sent me a third amazing woman.  She supports and is aware of my weaknesses.  I pray that I don't break her heart.  


St Augustine,...... ora pro nobis.

Only One Superman,.. my Dad!!!

You know when you’re a kid, and everybody says ‘my dad can beat up your dad?’… Well, I’m here to say that my dad can still beat up your dad, and I learn so much from him everyday!  This game we call ‘life’ is a testament to those who went before us, who introduced us to Jesus and who continuously bust their ass making sure we do right by our baptismal promises!  A man is supposed to be noble, respectable, honorable and finally holy!,.. My father is truly the embodiment of all those realities!

My father recently went through knee replacement surgery.  He is also 77.  Nonetheless, he remains a warrior anchored in Christian virtue and as far as I can tell,. devoid of fear.  These men grew up in another generation.  A generation of no complainers,. ‘You kids cry at the least little f^&k up!,  You should know true persecution!’… These men grew up with manners,.. ‘Sir take your hat off in Church,.. – F-you,..it’s my hat!’.. Ans; - Well its gonna be your hat shoved up you’re a$$ if you don’t show any respect!’… These men also showed chivalry,.. ‘Hey idiot, give your chair to that woman!’ – But dad, I am tired and we’re the same age!’…- ‘You’ll be in the f’n street if you don’t listen to me!’  ,. True pastoral theology!!!,.. Those in charge of pastoral theology should take note!

You guessed it, I was raised a little ‘old school’ and you know what?,.. I would never trade that education for anything in the world!  My dad was there for me when I had ‘legal trouble,’ he was there for me when I had girl trouble(s), and he was there for me when seminary decided I wasn’t soft enoug,.. err,.. pastoral enough!  (What,.. do they want a creampuff?).. Point being, is my dad remains in my opinion, the epidemy of paternal role models,.. He will push you, encourage you, pray with you, and always uplift you!  He will also kick your ass!  My dad knelt in prayer before the Blassed Sacrament and prayed in the chapel of our home Parish.  Just this afternoon, he went for a walk, cane in hand!,.. He walked the whole distance!

Why am I saying this?,.. Well, tomorrow my dad becomes a 1^st degree Knight of Columbus.  I already being one, cannot wait!  As much as I am a Jiu Jitsu guy, with experience in boxing, kung fu, etc,.. My dad will always kick my ass and yes he may raze and bug me!  However, as a Christian man, I know he will always have my back!  

God bless!

Introspective Thought Porn

Did that title grab your attention?  I hope so!,.. :)

Who am I?  My identity whether it be in the Church or in the world seems confusing, even to myself.  I am a few ‘ex’s’,. Ex trainer, ex seminarian, you get my point,. So who am I and what is my mission?  I don’t seem to fit in the Ecclesial world and I don’t seem to fit with my old world.  A few weeks back was the memorial of St John of the Cross, a master in Spirituality, and today?,. Well it seems that prayer is difficult, working out isn’t working and I’m searching for a dopamine rush,.. somewhere.  Is this a blog?,. or the diary entry of a fourteen year old girl?

My mission for 2018 is to find an identity.  You see I’m told that I ‘look’ like the world, but am striving to follow Christ.  This poses problems (along with loneliness) as I try to navigate these new ‘waters.’ Gone are the days where I would date the secular ‘good’ woman, and instead I find myself seeking a Catholic one.  The timing is realizing that I’m a ‘work in progress’ striving to follow our Lord, and like any sinner, always falling short.  It appears that I’m a twisted combination of Joe Rogan, Mark Walberg, Thomas Aquinas and well,.. Ultra Magnus. (Perhaps because he can’t ‘deal’ with now! A reference to the iconic 1986 Transformers Animated movie!)

Work 1.  Cemetery

I work in a pastoral context, one of accompanying families at the cemetery.  The burial can be a moment of trauma for many, as the reality of the moment truly sets in.  My job, to listen, to be a voice of reason, even to calmness and to accompany those who wish final prayers before the burial.  My appearance is often the 1^st thing people notice, and while funny at first, it could become an impediment to people encountering God.  My mission is simple, leave every family and every person I encounter with a true sense that God loves them!,.. Perhaps being built like a wrestler is a blockage, but perhaps it also acts as an ‘attention’ getter?  Either way, God uses this to humble me, constantly.  I can’t undo my body, because I’ve never taken steroids and thus my body is natural.  Even if I didn’t train for a month, I would maintain my ‘size.’ 

Work 2.  Jiu Jitsu Instructor

This year saw me get my brown belt under Bruno Fernandes. (Not exactly Joe Shmoe)  Doing so was a call to reality for several reasons.  The first is that I’m no longer in my prime.  Years of sports/combat sports, training and Martial Arts have taken a toll on me.  The reality is that a concussion, cracked rib, and two knee surgeries later, I’m not exactly the apex predator (Sorry Randy Orton) that I once sought to be.  At 40yrs, I need to accept that the athletic blue belt who came over from another style is capable of ‘hangin’ with me, if not outright holding me off or still ‘tappin’ me.  Nonetheless being a BJJ brown belt is an accomplishment, especially considering there was no real ‘Jits’ available when I was 20yrs old!,. (You hear that you young whippersnappers you!)

Let’s put this in a ‘Magic Bullet.’

Now that my work has been addressed, my character development and disposition must be.  If there is one thing that the seminary can be accredited for, it is for revealing and holding up an mirror to one’s own strengths and weaknesses.  Strengths,.. hmmm,.. I guess to some, I remain fearless.  One older Sulpician priest called me a ‘warrior.’  I do fear things though,. Sin for one, my inability to own up to self criticism, and perhaps my ego.  While these at one time served as a strength, they are HUGE weaknesses in the spiritual world.  Being a twisted combination has helped me build authentic bridges with God’s people.  While at the same time, it has alienated me from many in the Clergy.  The quote, ‘Marco, they are just not ready for someone like you’ has constantly been thrown in my direction.  ‘You’re too American’ is still another.  I had mentioned moving forward, but I guess my time in the seminary heading to Priesthood was a true love affair, and what I’m experiencing is akin to a ‘divorce?’.. Not so sure anymore. 

In the end, I remain loyal to Jesus and to my Faith.  My personality intact, albeit bruised (perhaps in need of psychological healing.)  I enjoy Theology, and yes,.. to those detractors, you are right,.. Pope John Paul II’s ‘Veritatis Splendor’ was his ‘halting’ of all the ‘Nouvelle theologie’ synonymous with the ‘spirit of Vatican II’ complete with its moral subjectivism.  As a man who grew up in it, then discovered Thomas Aquinas, I will always affirm the timeless Truths of our Faith, popular or not.  That doesn’t mean it will be done in a malicious/narcissistic manner, yet in a firm and paternal way by the Grace of God. 

My apologies to those readers of this blog who come here hoping to find a frothing at the mouth ‘traditionalist,’ as you won’t.  My opinions on what the Pope may or may not be thinking is simply too far down the list from my own sinful self.  Before I remove the speck in my brother’s eye, I need to address the log in my own.  As Dr Jordan Peterson says,.. I need to clean up my own house.  With God’s help, I hope I can put aside my ego, and let Jesus take the wheel.

May God continue to bless and keep you!

Our Lady of Good Success,…………………….. ora pro nobis.

Douchebag Invitation

So its 2018, and your new year’s resolution is to get into shape.  So you walk into a gym for the first time in a while.  You got all your gear at Walmart, ‘tap-out’ t-shirt, wide brimmed fitted hat, ridiculous attitude, tattoos up to the nostrils, the time you did train you gassed yourself up to the gills but forgot to take your anti-estrogen, thereby assuring that your pecs are probably man boobs by now but you don’t care, and to complement your illusion, the ‘bling.’  and oh yeah,. You’ve never fought.  The fights you had were gang up style beatdowns on lesser more timid people.  The coup de gras?,. You are probably a drug dealer, a wannabe slimeball with no ambition or work ethic, but you dream to live the so-called ‘gangzta’ lifestyle!  I get it, you’re in your twenties or thirties (the latter pathetic) and are searching for an identity!  Two problems though,.. You live your life financed by my tax money and,.. You’ve never come face to face with an ‘Alpha male’ so to speak. 

Allow me to introduce my program of ‘unf@#king.’  It’s usually a 10 week course, whereby you’ll train, (yes, legs too! 😉) learn and develop humility and hopefully leave as a better person offering a contribution to society.  Weights, Jiu Jitsu (any Martial Art for that matter) or perhaps the military could’ve helped you, but don’t worry,.. Its not too late,.. I’m here.  You see I detest your character, not you, (that would be unchristian of me.).  You live a lavish lifestyle based upon our socialist Canadian principals, ie,. You collect ‘pogey’ while you deal your dope for cash.  (BTW,. I am not against drugs, in fact, I would probably legalize them all, and slap a tax on them thereby cutting into the black market.  Obviously there would be an ‘age moratorium,’ but if you’ve made a free choice to snort powder, inject needles or whatever,.. Who am I to stop your free will?  BTW,. The reason I don’t take drugs, is the same reason I don’t drink Javel or Antifreeze either,. There is a warning sign with a skull and crossbones informing me of the consequences.)  From a Faith standpoint, you will also learn how to pray that Rosary you hang around your neck as an added bonus! 

So I invite you to enter a gym, maybe an MMA or Jiu Jitsu gym?  See that little 145lbs red headed accountant kid?,.. Spar with him and experience him kill you, several times.  Then will come the real test,.. Will you come back?  Now with a sore neck and joints, and an even more injured ego comes the reality of whether or not you will come back?  In my experience, the wannabe douchebag schmucks have a 1/3^rd ratio.  1/3^rd will stay, and slowly they will begin not using four letter words to describe a newborn kitten,.. They will begin saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ and they will begin respecting women.  By respect, it means being authentic and honest, gallant and chivalrous. 

To conclude, I hope that 2018 truly brings about a positive change in all of our lives!  

God bless!