It was two years ago,. I
remember looking at the clock, my breath short, my heart racing, what the hell is
going on? (My first thought..),. Is this
a heart attack?,.. (My second..)..Why can’t I think or breathe? Why am I feeling like this,.. Why are my
older parents helping me off the floor?
At that moment, I knew I needed some time, I needed to think and to
re-assess. I asked for some time, and
they granted me all the time I needed.
(Take that for what it’s worth.) January 4th, 2016, .. The day that
God reminded me that I’m human.
Fast forward to now. I recently met with the rector of the
seminary, although not officially,.. He mentioned that I looked more ‘at peace.’ Perhaps?,. I work in the funeral industry,
and I work as a Jiu Jitsu instructor,.. My question remains,.. What the hell
happened? The answer I guess is
simple. God wanted to get my attention,
and His subtle attempts were being ignored, so He got a little more intense
shall we say?,.
While two years removed
from official formation, and having finished the intellectual component, I have
no ill will toward my time discerning priesthood. I still practice my Faith and perhaps have a
more developed prayer life because of that time spent. Priesthood is not a ‘dead issue’ but it is an
issue of discernment, one that an individual with a bit of ‘traction’ needs to
undertake with a similar formation team.
My sin remains my EGO.,. IT IS HUGE!
Perhaps this is why God took such drastic measures? I will admit that most people will attain
Heaven through the mercy of God ahead of me.
Why?,.. PRIDE!!!! The Mother of
all sins.
While I may criticize the
formation team, I can never criticize their zeal for what they believe to be ‘bare
minimum’ with regards to Spirituality.
Jesus invites us to follow Him as in the Gospels, but sometimes we
forget that the ‘follower’ and the followee’ are flawed and sinful human
beings. The seminary is not perfect, but
as it stands and after much prayer, it is not an environment for men like
me. The excuse of ‘you don’t understand
the Quebecois’ must eventually give way to common sense. As was explained to me, I did well in Parish
and my secret?,. An active prayer life!
Mass, Marian devotion and of course ‘morning prayer!’
As I have said, and
believe,.. I am not a ‘Traditionalist.’
In fact, I detest the term, as it denotes an ideological bent so to
speak. I am, however, ‘Traditional,’ if
that is how you would like to describe me.
I remain a man convinced that God is calling,.. to what? Not so sure anymore. I guess that is normal? I can never apologize for being ‘Alpha’ as
you described me,.. I was raised by awesome parents in a traditional home, I
can’t change that. I’m heterosexual, and
women will always remain a temptation for me, whether I discern Marriage or
even a Consecrated lay state. I speak as
a man, and thus am able to draw parallels with those young fathers in the
community, because I viewed Priesthood as just that, spiritual fatherhood. I’m sanguine in my temperament, and can’t change
that but can attempt to control it.
As I bookend this post, I
reflect upon going forward. I remain a
sinner, and in desperate need of Jesus’s redemptive Sacrifice. At the same time, perhaps my writing can help
others who are ‘like me’ and don’t feel welcome in the ranks. I will say this,.. My name is Marco and I was
never a bully, and I also was never bullied,.. until I entered formation.
To conclude 2018 is all
about smiling. I will use my God given talents
to continue to empower people in Jiu Jitsu, to smile and always accompany by
the Grace of God, families searching for a sense of coherence at the death of a
loved one! Here is to positive vibes!!!!!
God bless!
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