Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Random thoughts of a Tortured Soul,...

Once again, its Wednesday and now its time for an introspective look into my soul, my spirit, my will and finally state of mind. Yes, it took a lot of unecessary words to express the same thing, but you love me anyway for it. As many of you know, I experienced a nervous breakdown several months back, and the road back to sanity has been lined with many roses, yet at the same time I've felt I've stepped on one too many thorns. First off, a Thank-you to all my well wishers who have emailed me asking how I'm doing. I plan on answering all of you personally, but it will take some time. Being Catholic is hard enough, being a man is hard,..but being a Catholic man in the twenty first century is almost akin to ingesting nails dipped in hydrochloric acid!

Take note, that this is the type of stuff that I speak about in Spiritual direction but also I feel the need to share with all of you,..Why? Well,.because most people ask, 'Hey Optimus,..What's wrong?' My answer will confuse them. (unless your a Transformers fan,...hehehe) I'll simply say that there are days when I feel like Rodimus instead of Optimus! (More on that later,..) I've mentioned before that I almost feel that there are two sides to me, 'pre' and 'post' conversion! Sometimes I just get so frustrated at not being able to secularly deal with issues the same way everyone else does, the 'why me' syndrome kicks in!

Similarities definetly abound. Our Faith in Christ is a relationship, kinda like the matrix, and like every relationship, there are its 'ups' and 'downs.' This scene happened when Deadend and Wildrider forced then Rodimus off a cliff as he was attempting to save Marissa Fairborne. I kind of feel the same way, not to go into detail, but every action, every reaction becomes a test of Faith. (I am reminded of then Cardinal Ratzinger's homily for JPII at his funeral,..about the Christian road that will hurt your feet.) Anyway, sometimes you just need to get away, and that's exactly what I do,..if not physically,.then mentally!

As human beings we are created free, free to choose what is 'good' from what is 'bad.' That being said, the 'good' is in most cases not the easiest choice, (the same way brocoli is not as tasty an option as Doritos!) Intellectually we grasp this, emotively welllllll,...not right away...

Sometimes however there comes along people in our life journey who at the right time, enable us to rethink our position and declare, 'wow' it ain't that bad! An example of this was last friday. I had the priveledge of having dinner with an individual whose own story is marked, if not downright tatooed by a series of events preventing said person from succeeding! This person's passion and dedication towards singing knows no limit and the enthusiasm and passion brought forth can be downright infectious! This person, has a story which should be published, and at the end, this person asked how I was doing with my own issues!! I couldn't believe it!! My issues, on the grand scale of things paled in comparison to this person's life story(the same way a pimple pales to cancer), and yet, I was feeling sorry for myself! Needless to say this individual taught me an invaluable lesson! At the onset of the evening, this person was asking me advice,.yet at the end, I stood in awe of a person so passionate so driven,..I felt humbled.

So what's the whole point of the Transformers in this? Well, these clips come from season 3's 'Burden Hardest to Bear.' In this episode, Rodimus can't deal with the responsibility of being the autobot leader. It in many ways, it mirrors our relationship to Christ. Sometimes we get caught up in the whole 'sappy,' 'syrupy' Christianity thing, while forgetting there is a responsibility! Would it easier to remain secular,..after all isn't ignorance bliss? Absolutely! By the way, I almost witnessed a mentally handicapped person attempt to cross a busy intersection while wearing a smile....I think you get my point. As Hot Rod/Rodimus said about the matrix, we can say about God,..'I belong to Him!'

Patron Saint of Sanity (is there one?),......Ora pro Nobis.

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