Sunday, February 19, 2012

McFruitloop Files...

Okay so enough people wanted to know who this Fr McFruitloop is and why he figures so much into 'Confessions' kind of like an arch enemy.  So here goes my attempt to make you guys laugh!  Enjoy!

Born Andre Tiffany McFruitloop, he was the only child in a household of girls.  His father, discovered that he really felt more like a woman inside, so he decided to have a sex change and embrace his/her true call to femininity.  His mother gave him the middle name Tiffany so he would not feel left out being the only person with testicules. As a result he called his mom, 'maddy' and his dad, 'dommy.'  This way, everyone was equal!   As a young child, he felt hockey was too competitive and violent so he decided to persue figure skating in the winter and pottery/arts and crafts in the summer.  McFruitloop didn't have many toys either as he was uninterested in GI Joe with kung fu grip, instead following the only 'half' male role model in his house, took active participation in sowing and creating sparkly armbands and colourful fruit fridge magnets. 

McFruitloop was a tender kid who bruised easily, so his figure skating career was cut short.  High School was a little rough as when puberty hit,..he discovered his manhood, but the guidance counselor told him to keep his options 'open' to both men and women.  This was the 1960s btw! McFruitloop while waiting for his mother to come home from working construction was helping his dad bake a cake,..'Dommy, I think I like men, and want to help others discover this awakening,.'  When not become a priest person?  Andre, Vatican II's spirit is running wild,..though the actual documents might be still very patriarchical, chauvisnistic and hierarchical, its the spirit that really counts!  We don't need that silly Pope guy anymore, and Jesus,..well he just loved everybody and equal, some people nowadays even call him 'Sophia.'  Andre decided to mull it over, instead of praying he dropped acid, smoked a 'J' and went to bed.

After meeting with the vocation director at Rainbow Carebear Seminary, Sr. Bruce,..Andre McFruitloop went through five years of nothing, because, well truth didn't exist and he was sooo happy to finally figure it out.  One of his courses though was a pre requisite for graduation in theology.  The course, Advanced Intro to Women's Eco Spirituality And Karl Marx is the solution Theo-1960 was hard.  Students had to dialogue their feelings, learn how to set up dialoging commitees, and focus groups that concentrate on small 'faith sharing' while drawing inspiration from the Buddha.  One day Sr Bruce announced that there was only 3 seminarians left,..they had to kick somebody out for getting caught with Aquinas,..dangerous literature!  Anyway she was wearing her very best polyester pant suit combination in order to muster and conjure up the spirit of Vatican II to propose women's ordination, the Roman hierarchy refused, she shaved her head in protest.

The day came when Andre was to be ordained.  Although an archaic celebration it was needed to maintain a sense of solidarity with the people.  Jesus/Sophia called us to be fishers of 'people' after all!  Bishop Smirk arrived wearing his best neon green chasuble with a blade of wheat and rainbow in the middle!  He even was thoughtful enough to bring other mini chasubles for all the girl alter servers present!  After he laid hands on McFruitloop, Bishop Smirk invited the entire congregation to also lay hands on him,..So they all did!  First came the gay and lesbian alliance, then the eco-spiritual people, then came the women religious of the order of social justice,..absent were any kind of religious advocating a belief in an eternal truth, such as Dominicans, Jesuits and Franciscans...He was dressed in chasuble by his 'moderator' Sr Bruce (she also runs parishes as 'moderator'  whereby all the priest does is consecrate,..but that will change soon when she gets 'ordained'..) ...What a glorious day!  Fr McFruitloop wore the brightest neon green chasuble as well but with a rainbow and bunnies adorning the front! Instead of the laying on of hands by other clergy present, he and his Bishop engaged in a ceremonial patty-cake,...see below..

Fr Andre McFruitloop is now a priest and assigned a parish whereby he 'moderates' in the spirit of Vatican II all liturgical celebrations celebrating and reaffirming our collective 'okayness.'  The alter, now referred to as the 'table' is held on equal esteem with the ambo.  So they should be presented as such in the sanctuary.  Vested in alb and stole, he will only wear his chasuble for special occasions.  He does not own a Cope or a Humeral Veil,...But he will continue to work for a more just Church!  His blessing at the end of liturgy is May God/Goddess, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Shiva and Brahma bless you all!  In the name of the creator, the redeemer and the sanctifior! 

And now,.......back to reality!!!!

God Bless, and Happy Sunday!!!! 


1 comment:

Bishop Bogus Smirk said...

What a great day Andre's ordination was! How I wept for sheer joy.

He told me that since he became a Freemason, he now also blesses in the name of Jabulon.

What a birl!